Dear Equestrians,
You are the most inconsiderate assholes on the planet. There, I said it, and I know for a fact that everyone else agrees with me. My problem with you has nothing to do with you forcing a majestic animal into servitude. It has more to do with the fact that you think it's perfectly ok for your animal to defecate all over trails used by hikers and mountain bikers. The only people who think it's ok to leave a ten pound pile of steaming animal feces in the middle of a trail are people who own horses. Everyone else hates you and the turd mines you leave lying around. It isn't ok for someone else to leave their dog, cat, marmot, pig, monkey or turtle shit lying in the middle of a trail...SO WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK IT'S OK TO LET YOUR HORSE UNLOAD A MOUNTAIN OF ANAL CHOCOLATE?!?!
“But Jeff!” you argue, “Horse doody isn't as bad as doggy poo! It doesn't smell as bad because my horsey just eats hay!”
Ok straw man...first off, your overuse of the exclamation point offends me. Secondly, I don't want to step in ANY kind of shit...and I really don't want to step in a pile of crap that's big enough to cover my entire foot. I just want to have a pleasant day on the trails...and worrying about some inconsiderate dickweed leaving his animal's ass brownies all over the place is just going to ruin it for me.
“But Jeff...horses are really hard to get on and off of. I don't want to have to get off my horse to pick up his poop every time he goes number two”
Hey, it's not my fault you picked an idiotically inconvenient mode of transportation...and it's really not my fault that you're fucking lazy. If you honestly can't be bothered to personally pick up the steaming discharges generated by your horse, then you should think about having your manservant follow you around with a shovel and trashcan. If you are one of the few horse owners who can't afford a manservant, then try attaching a bag to your horses ass. Hell, your always going off about how smart horses are...why don't you try training the beast to not shit all over the trail. Just have your horse move his ass off the side of the trail when it feels the urge to go...seriously...why hasn't anyone else thought of this yet?
“But Jeff, it's just generally accepted by society that horse owners don't have to pick up horse poop.”
Like hell it is! Society hates you and your shit spewing horses. Society is sick of stepping in animal feces. Society would love to see horse owners riding around with a big trash bag filled with their animal's waste.
If you aren't yet convinced that you are the most inconsiderate assholes on the planet, I'll leave you with one final argument.
Children use those trails. Children are notorious for having terrible peripheral vision. Because of this, every 57 seconds, a child steps ankle deep in horse shit. You might as well just hold a five year old down while your horse craps all over him...you'd achieve the same result. Why do you hate children so much? What did they ever do to you? Feel free to email me with answers to these questions...just know that I might not have time to read them...I'll be too busy saving the children that you heartlessly endanger.
Fuck you,
Jeff Orr
4 comments:
tell us how you really feel jeff.
as a lover of horses and former equestrian, and someone who has never actually ridden horses on any trails oft frequented by anyone much less those on foot or bike, i find your post hilarious.
i think the pooping off the side of the trail would be great if horses would give some notice before pooping instead of being totally okay with pooping while walking without skipping a beat. maybe they can learn something from the dog i saw outside my apartment the other day. this lady lay out a sheet of plastic under his ass, said okay, the dog squat and shit right on the plastic then carefully stepped aside as the lady tied it up.
Well said to both Jeff and Katie.
you lost me at anal chocolate
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